.Genderles.Episode.25.

Trudging home in the early hours of the morning.

My legs hurt.

As did my heart.

I stopped at the foot of my porch.

Every light in the house was on.

The front window was but a curtain of shattered glass.

My father sat at the foot of the stairs.

Staring directly at me through the entrance where the front door stood agape.

I could feel outside drop in temperature.

While his stare melted two holes right through me.

I take a breath and step inside.

He took this time to stand.

“Have fun?” His words seethed through gritted teeth.

I lowered my head.

“I just went for a walk.”

I felt like drowning within his shadow.

“And sneaking out was your way of saying goodbye?”

His face split open with each spat word.

I struggled not to look him in the eyes with my tear stained face.

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

My reasons were falling into disrepair, making them as frail and irrelevant as excuses.

“Close the door.” He orders in a deadly whisper.

I twitch.

“Please don’t…”

He clenches his fists.

“Close. The fucking. Door.”

The tears I was trying to hold back began to slip through.

“Please…”

His eyes just stare at me.

“Don’t make me tell you again Freak.”

I twinge at his mention of my name.

But does as he says.

And closes the door behind me.

.Genderless.Episode.24.

“And it’s my solemn duty to announce the closer of the Shallows.”

A riotous protest.

Charlie stood at the forefront of the crowd.

“One person can’t just close this place!”

The handful of businessmen that stood before us sneered. A small group of police officers bolstering their ranks and casting an imposing shadow over the rest of us.

A short round businessman stood before the rest, a briefcase overflowing with countless blueprints and files practically spilling from its seams.

“To make way for the development of the promising Fair Green Mall, this unsanctioned playground; as well as many other areas, have been put up for the destruction, and construction, of this new establishment.”

More riotous jeers and protest.

The small man clears his throat and his police guard menacingly step forward.

Silence.

“These plans have been on display at the city capital for over a year now. You all should have begun your protest months ago.”

Charlie growls.

“This is bullshit.”

A bark of laughter sprouts from the uneasy audience.

“Total bullshit!” Heckyl shouts.

The man smirks.

“Well you can go bring up your concerns with the governor. Meanwhile,”

He turns to the league of construction works waiting just out of sight.

“Tear it down!”

Within the next twenty minutes, we all watch in horror as The Shallows is torn into by swarms of men armed with tractors, chainsaws, and fencing.

Hope for saving our sacred place was crushed within the maw of progress.

And as the confrontational masses slowly dispersed, I quickly caught up to Charlie.

“Charlie! Wait up!” I shout and he looks at me.

“Go home Freak.”

I ignore the hostility in his tone.

“We can’t give up. We’ll find a new place. A better place.”

His face twists.

“There IS no better place Freak. This was as good as it was ever going to get. I built this place from the ground up! It may not have been the best place but it was home.”

He turns away.

“Just go home. Shows over. Cue the curtain.”

I watched him wander away.

Hopeless.

Homeless.

“Fuck you pigs!” Heckyl screams and chucks a rock at a passing police officer, squealing in a twisted glee as it makes impact with the man’s head in a spatter of crimson.

Immediately a slew of cops began after him as a few others tended to the downed officer.

“Get down on the ground right now!” an officer screams and Heckyl just jeers.

“Fuck you!”

And chucks another rock.

A gunshot sounds.

Heckyl drops.

The last few people scatter in fear.

I just stand there.

Watching silently as the shouts became screams.

“He’s dead!”

“Dead!” 

“Dead!”

.Genderless.Episode.23.

“One month.”

Slitch’s face had never looked so peaceful.

I wondered if I looked the same.

“The first of many.”

Clever response?

A kiss was my reward.

I returned it while we hid beneath the covers.

A thin veil that protected us from the promised cold that awaited outside.

Slitch slid closer.

“Definitely.”

I closed her sentence with a smile.

She blushed.

I watch her a moment.

Then kiss her neck.

She gasps in surprise.

I start to pull away.

“Don’t.”

She looks at me with strange eyes.

Then moves atop me.

I lay back as she does.

My eyes trailing along her curves.

“Slitch…” I start as she then removes her shirt, revealing her luminescent chest, punctuated with two perfectly sculpted breasts.

I felt the butterflies in my stomach begin to swirl.

Gently her hands gripped the edge of my shirt and I felt mine soon follow hers to the floor.

 Her breath moved down my body, leaving a warm trail that left me tingly.

Two pairs of jeans added to the growing pile of discarded clothes.

Our hands slid along skin.

Seamless.

Little did I know nor care whether my hands were scratching down her hips or caressing my own breasts.

I felt her lips on mine.

My fingers gripping her hips.

Hers moving up my belly.

A nipped ear.

A pinched nipple.

The heat we were generating slowly caused the beckoning frost to melt away.

The covering blanket a drifting afterthought.

Pleasured moans and whispers drifted through the air.

The building anticipation setting fire to the world around us.

All I felt was her.

And that’s what I was determined to explore.

Slitch leaned in and bit into my neck.

Earning a soft scream on my part.

And with then I felt her fingers slither down my chest.

My belly.

And beneath my slipping underwear.

Within mere moments I felt them slip in.

And my butterflies burst into flame.

.Genderless.Episode.22.

Everything is over.

Everything I was.

Making me able to do things I never thought I could do before.

And it feels amazing.

This…

This freedom.

Speaks louder than anything I’ve ever said before.

My heartbeats taken on this rhythm.

That beats to the sound of my footsteps.

I’ve never felt this before.

Yet seething in the background.

The what ifs.

The if I hads.

I slam and lock them behind an old oak door.

Leaving me breathless.

Leaving me alone.

Alone with her.

And I’ve taken on a meaning.

To never be lost again.

Millions of people would stand in protest.

I think that I’d stand too.

To denounce what I have as little more than a temporary pill to help satiate the longing to be one half to a whole.

I will stand and admit I know this can change in one shattered heartbeat.

But damned if I’m not going to make it worth something before it does.

The youthful heart’s will to break away.

I was scared to watch me change.

Now…

I fucking revel.

.Genderless.Episode.21.

“Afterglow.”

I raise an eyebrow.

“Seriously?” I reply.

Rowan nods.

“Comparing how highly you spoke of him a few weeks ago to how poorly you speak of him now, it’s pretty obvious that you really got caught up in his penchant for being intelligent and mysterious, but upon waiting for him to actually open up you drowned in those properties and now see them as they are, a superiority complex and disinterest.”

I sigh.

“That is quite the observation.”

She smirks.

“I’ve been in your shoes on more than one occasion. Hence the label ‘Failure’ when it comes down to relationships.”

She stops a moment and takes a bite of her lunch.

“Besides, aren’t you seeing that Slitch chick on a more serious level now?”

Meanwhile picking at my own lunch; I nod.

“Then why are you still hung up on Charlatan?”

I viciously stab at my sandwich with a spork.

“I’m not.”

She stops and stares at me.

“Something tells me you are.”

I give up on my mutilated food and push it away.

“I’m not. Really. I’m just still a little curious.”

Rowan lets out a small sigh.

“Truthfully, I’m thinking you should concentrate on Slitch right now. Charlatan had his chance, but you chose her. And bad things are only going to happen if you continue to pursue something with him while contrastingly having already given your promise to someone else.”

I found myself nodding.

“You really speak truth my friend.”

She laughs, albeit a bit dryly.

“Well thank you, but everything I say only has as much weight as you allow it to have.”

I didn’t respond to that.

And in the silence she stretches.

“And off topic; why aren’t you talking about this with Jamie? She’s your best friend. I’m just the creep who pesters you during lunch.”

Jamie…

“She hasn’t really talked to me much since I started hanging out at the Shallows. She sort of stopped completely once I got with Slitch…”

Rowan nods a little, but says nothing.

.Genderless.Episode.20.

“Charlie.”

Why does that feel so strange leaving my mouth?

“Yes?”

I feel like we share a connection.

Yet as of late I feel as though it was less romantic and more sinister.

What I thought a necklace was nothing more than a noose.

“Where have you been?”

Even that kiss we shared made me felt used.

“Around.”

And every second since then has only strengthened that feeling.

Was I an interest to him?

Or was I just a voice to help bolster his precious Shallows?

“Care to elaborate?”

Was I just a gullible mind who succumbed to the false pretenses embellished upon the surface of a simple recruitment drive?

“Not really.”

I shuffle closer to Slitch; who responds with a warming kiss on the shoulder.

Now I guess since I’ve fallen for his ploy he’s returned atop his high horse and placed me down amongst the masses he’s labeled unworthy.

“Okay then.”

Standing up once more he nodded his head.

“I’m going for a walk.”

And upon turning to leave I’m left wondering;

Just who did he think he was?

.Genderless.Episode.19.

Who is it that I’ve so easily evolved in to?

I stare for hours into the mirror hanging loosely from my bedroom door.

Yet I cannot spy any difference.

Not one.

Does that beg the question that the changes have only taken an internal toll?

I’m pasting each memory to the forefront of my mind.

Examining each one to find the exact moment it leeched inside me and caused such a drastic transformation.

But all I find are more and more examples of each change of mind.

I sprawl myself out in bed.

And betwixt a plethora of pillows and sheets I stumble across an ultimatum.

That maybe all this looking is forlorn from a proper examination.

Maybe.

It’s not the recent events that were the catalyst of all my change.

But a dose of adrenaline that had simply sped up the process.

Was I always changing?

Is there no rut that I could fall into?

Just a mental comfort of the current pace that fools me into thinking nothing is moving when in fact everything is still making its mark upon me.

And I’m just too blind to notice?

A tap at the window.

A mumbled “Come in.”

Eyes too tired to even open; I am only left to hear the creak of the opening window, the light footsteps that sneak across the floor, and the familiar scent that drifted passed my nose as her warm body slipped into my bed.

“Tired?” She asks quietly and I shake my head.

“Just deep in thought.” I respond before opening my eyes and seeing her beautiful face.

She was dressed quite peculiarly.

Attractive.

She looks at me a moment.

“Want to be?”

.Genderless.Episode.18.

I caught up just outside the bushes the led back out to our lives.

“Slitch!” my voice rang out more desperately than I’d meant it to.

I see her stop and I take that moment to finally fill in the gap between us.

“What do you want?” She asks quietly; slivers of ice edging her words.

I shove aside all of the screaming thoughts begging for me to retreat.

Going against what I’ve always been known for; hiding, whispering, turning away…

I turned her around, swept the hair from her face, and kissed her.

I half expected her to push me away.

She didn’t.

Instead I felt her hands wrap around me and pull me further into our kiss.

Draping my arms around her, I held her close, trying my best to make the kiss last forever.

I felt her pull away.

“I was jealous.”

Pressing my forehead to hers, I replied “You don’t need to be.”

My eyes locked onto hers.

“I care for you more than I ever could for him.”

Those words.

They escaped my lips so easily.

I believed them so thoroughly.

I saw a tear slip down her face and I kiss it away before it could go any further.

“Be mine?”

The tears that I held in bondage finally began to seep through.

“I was going to ask you that.” I laugh slightly and lastly I see her smile.

.Genderless.Episode.17.

After what felt like a tormenting eternity he ripped his lips away.

I sat there.

Shocked.

Heckyl was gloating. Waving a worn fifty in Charlie’s face.

Quickly snatched, Charlie then stood to his feet.

“I’m going for a walk.”

And with that he turned and strode off without another word.

Slitch was watching me oddly.

The others had circled Heckyl; the obvious victor in the mental battle that had taken place mere moments before.

I knew he was the victor.

Because I felt like I had lost.

“Jealous.” Slitch muttered and I looked at her.

She looked sad as she herself then stood up and left.

I was alone.

Instantly I began to feel the clawing tendrils of my shell quickly start begging for me to recede.

And for a moment I believe I started to.

But I stopped.

I thought of Charlie.

Then of Slitch.

Both I admit I have feelings for.

Yet.

I close my eyes.

A tidal wave of thoughts, memories and emotions spilled across my mind and quickly washed away all but one fact.

I opened my eyes.

Stood up.

And ran.

.Genderless.Episode.16.

I’ve taken on new purpose within the blessed Shallows.

I stride passed the bushes and into the clearing.

Never does it seem to not be teeming with small pockets of people.

Idly chatting, strumming guitars, or smoking various substances.

My eyes scan the groups until they stumble across Charlie and Slitch; smoking thin white cigarettes while in the company of a few others.

Quickly my feet have me taken in a beeline straight to them.

Charlie’s trademark smirk opens up his otherwise emotionless face as I approached.

Slitch shifted herself aside to make room for me.

I aptly took my seat between them.

“Someone seems to be in good graces this evening.” Charlie points out and I reply with a smirk of my own.

“Seems like it eh?” I laugh.

Slitch leans into me.

“I’m glad.” She says as I rest my head on hers.

I feel a smile try to tug at the edges of my mouth.

I push it back.

“So what were you up to before I rudely interrupted?” I tease and Charlie simply yawns.

“Nothing relatively in particular hun, it was actually a lot quieter before you arrived.”

A guy sitting opposite him let out a bark of laughter.

“Bullshit, you as well as everyone else here knows that I was betting you fifty bucks to make out with the new blood.”

Charlie casts a strange look back at the guy.

“And I gave you my response Heckyl.”

Curious, I interrupt.

“And who’s this new blood?”

Stupid question.

Hopeful answer.

Charlie glances at me.

“Please hun, I have not known you for lack of intelligence. I beg of you not to give me a reason to now.”

Now that was the equivalent of a slap in the face.

And so I grow quiet.

Slitch nuzzles my shoulder a little.

“Well you’re well known for being quiet the charmer Charlatan.” Heckyl antagonizes.

“And you’ve been known to cause quite a bit of strife amongst the people here.” Charlie responds.

Another bark of laughter.

“What can I say mate, I’m a heckler. I enjoy a tad bit of strife.”

Even I felt the razors laced within those words…

Charlie then leans in; the fire lighting his face up in a startling fashion.

“You enjoy strife?”

Heckyl takes this moment to lean in as well.

“I get off on it.”

For a long moment the two held a stare that could be felt by everyone in the circle. The fire casting shadows that danced upon their faces, making them both inherit almost demonic masks.

“So be it.” Charlie finally shatters the silence and turns to me.

And before I could even gasp I felt his hand caress my cheek and pull me into his lips.

My eyelids fluttered.

His eyes remained open and terrifying.

My heart skipped a beat.

But not because of the cliché.

But because I felt like he had just kicked it.

.Genderless.Episode.15.

This is insane.

Plain and simple.

Caught between the emotional throes of happiness and anger.

I felt like a hurricane.

Deep within the confines of this poor excuse of a body, my nerves tingled with the strangest anticipation.

Blood seething with a rage that begged to be unleashed.

Gritting my teeth, I begin to breathe.

Inhalation.

Exhalation.

Something precious inside me threatens to snap.

To rip me in half and leave me dying in the chaos that will ensue.

I pull myself up in bed.

The barest slivers of sound penetrating my eardrums and alerting me to the movements of my monstrous father dwelling somewhere beneath.

Slipping out of my bed.

The screen of my open laptop casting an eerie light through the darkness that enveloped my room.

I arrive at my dresser.

Slip into clean underwear, a dress shirt, fitting jeans.

All of the same worn black variety.

Quick ruffle of the hair and I was slipping through my open window onto the garage roof.

A few steps and I reach the lowest corner of the roof, grabbing the gutter and lowering myself as far as I could before letting go and falling the last couple feet.

Landing heavily, I quickly rush to the end of the backyard, reaching the chainlink fence and slipping up and over.

Now in the rocky alleyway I peer both ways before walking into the darkness.

From out of my own Hell;

And in to The Shallows.

.Genderless.Episode.14.

Rowan’s eyes were as wide.

“We should have a fucking threesome.”

I glare at her.

“And what would that accomplish?”

She laughs, “Nothing at all, except a night of epic lovemaking.”

I sigh.

“I’m just trying to lighten the mood Freak, damn.”

I roll my eyes, “With a threesome.”

She smiles.

“Of course! Besides, the way you describe this Slitch girl makes it sound like you’d thoroughly enjoy it.”

I blush.

“See?” She teases and I groan.

“The only thing you’re accomplishing is making this conversation really uncomfortable.”

Now it was her turn to sigh.

“Well sorry if my attempts at being a good friend are getting lost in translation. Personally I wouldn’t mind having you between my thighs while this Slitch girl was between yours vigorously licking your-”

I cover her mouth with my hand, imagination running wild.

“Please stop!” I groan; my face burning.

Suddenly I’m pulling my hand away.

“Rowan! You bit me!” I found myself laughing.

“Success!” She shouts and I playfully push her.

“You’re fucking crazy!” I reply and realize I’m smiling.

Rowan smiles in kind.

“Finally. I thought I’d never get to see you smile. It’s kind of hot.” She points out with a smirk and I couldn’t help but let this smile stay.

I liked it.

.Genderless.Episode.13.

“You attend church?” Charlie asks and I laugh.

“Do you?”

He chuckles, “Touché.”  

I turn back to watching the stars for a moment.

“You ever tried counting them? The stars?”

Charlie laughs, “I’ve tried a couple times, but I always seem to lose count. Either that or the sun comes up before I’m done.”

Already losing count myself, I slip out a cigarette.

“Bad habit.” He teases and I stick my tongue out at him playfully before putting it to my mouth.

“Like I can argue, I supply the lighter.” He continues with a smirk and lights my cigarette for me.

I inhale and hold the smoke hostage for a moment, my thoughts slowing and granting me some peace.

Exhale.

“I wish I could just count the stars forever. Never have to go home.”

He looks at me.

“Sometimes I wish the same.”

We look at each other for a moment.

My lips quiver.

He stands up and stretches.

“I’m going to go for a walk.” He says and I start to get up.

“Alone if possible.”

I stop and look up at him.

“Oh… okay…”

Sitting back down as he strides off, I’m left to my own whispering thoughts.

Did I miss my chance?

Was it even a chance?

Fuck.

I found myself simply staring at the cherry eating away at the tip of my cigarette. Lost in both thought and emotion.

My stomach hurt.

I flick away my cigarette, hearing a thoughtful sizzle as it hit the dewy grass.

Leaning back I sigh.

And start counting.

.Genderless.Episode.12.

My eyes open.

Curled in a tight ball half hidden in my massacre of a bed.

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I sit up and almost choke.

Slitch was at my window.

Watching me.

I almost didn’t see her in the darkness but her eyes…

They seemed to glow.

“You passed out.”

I could see the concern in her eyes.

“Bad day is all…” I reply shyly.

The events of last night replayed in the back of my head.

Made me nervous of myself.

Cause I was kind of turned on.

She repositions herself in the window.

“I heard.” She replied somewhat quietly.

Was she thinking of last night as well?

Or was she treading lightly on what she thought was a sore topic?

All I knew was that the only thing sore was my stomach.

“Cunt.” She growled.

I look up.

“Your father.” She clarified and I laugh dryly.

“Yeah… not exactly father of the year unfortunately.”

I look back down.

“Did he hurt you?”

Her words hung in the air a long moment before I could even register a response.

“No.”

A second passes then she slips through the window and onto my bed. I only watch as she quietly lifts up my shirt; revealing the dark black bruise forming just above my belly button.

She just looks at me.