.Genderless.Episode.11.

I was falling.

Down.

Down.

Down.

A flurry of enigmatic images passed by as I fell.

Some held meaning.

Others held nothing.

I was screaming.

I wanted to stop falling.

I wanted so badly just to hit the ground and stop seeing.

So I did.

I stopped falling.

And instead stood upon the tallest building.

My bare feet teetering on the edge between solidity and weightlessness.

Turning away from the ledge, I see my father sneering at me.

I could practically smell the liquor that heavily blanketed his breath.

He pushed me back.

I flailed my arms uselessly.

Before falling.

Down.

Down.

Down.

I wanted to stop.

So badly to stop falling.

And so I did.

Standing once more upon the tallest building.

My bare feet standing on the bare thread of my own unreality.

I turn away from the ledge.

And find my father smiling at me.

I could almost feel the thick smoke from his countless cigarettes grabbing at me.

He pushed me back.

I lashed out uselessly.

Before falling.

Down.

Down.

Down.

I begged for it to stop.

For something to catch me.

I wanted to stop falling.

So I did.

Standing upon the tallest building.

The crossroads of my inner mind.

I turn to see my father.

Laughing at me.

And I just close my eyes.

.Genderless.Episode.10.

Standing on the front porch of my home.

My brain a kaleidoscope of insults, lies and promises.

I take a long breath.

Hopefully my last?

And then I open my front door.

Immediately I heard shuffling come from the other room.

Stepping inside, I brace myself as the front door clicks shut behind me.

And then I catch my father’s damning figure come thundering out of its den.

“And Where The Fuck Were You!?” His roar rips across the room and slaps me in the face.

I just stare back at him.

“I was studying with friends and didn’t realize the time had gotten so late, so I decided to stay over.”

A believable lie.

If it wasn’t Saturday.

“Bullshit!” the words spilled from his mouth amidst a flood of venom.

A quick stride across the room and I felt the back of his hand ignite my face with fire.

I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that.

And I staggered.

Which then gave him the quickly taken chance to slam me against the wall.

The air vacates my lungs and I fall to my knees struggling to inhale.

I could feel my father’s eyes boring down upon me.

“Freak.”

That name rang triumphantly from out his ragged fuck hole of a mouth.

“Fuck.” I spit back and receive a foot in my stomach.

Tears stream down my face.

“I fuckin HATE you!”

I feel his fist grip the scruff of my shirt and he roughly lifts me back to my feet.

“Freak!” He screams and throws me to the foot of the stairs.

And trying not to let him see my face I take my chance and scramble up the stairs and into my room.

“FREAK!”

“FREAK!”

“FUCKIN FREAK!”

.Genderless.Episode.9.

“I thought Charlatan was a guy?” Jamie said with a furrowed brow.

Following a passing cloud with drifting eyes, I reply “He is.”

Simple response.

I should have elaborated more.

“Then why were you making out with this girl? Aren’t you head over heels for him?”

I could almost hear the gears inside her head struggling to make sense of the situation it’s been faced with.

“I don’t really know what happened… Last night was kind of a blur.”

Truth.

My friend seemed to only get more agitated.

“Did you… you know… go any further?”

She’s pressing for something.

Shut my eyes.

Revel in the glimpsing memories of lips teasing my thighs. Teeth leaving marks in interesting places.

My response was lifting my shirt slightly and revealing the bruises taking up residence upon my hips.

Jamie’s eyes widened.

“Those… aren’t from your father are they?”

I couldn’t help but let the smirk slip across my face.

That was the only answer she needed.

And we both fell into silence for a long moment.

“I know Rowan has you thinking that this is something you should do, and I think you should too. Just… Be careful.”

I lean myself against her, gently resting my head on her shoulder.

“I’ll try.”

.Genderless.Episode.8.

My eyes were lightly held closed by my own will.

Smoke assailed my lungs.

Caressing the thin fleshy walls that ensnared it within.

“Breathe.”

Charlie’s whispered words drifted in my ear…

I exhaled… slowly; letting the smoke come streaming out through my lips.

But before all the smoke could clear my lungs, I felt lips press gently to mine.

And I embraced the kiss, letting myself fall into it. Feeling our tongues entwine as smoke mingled with sweet saliva.

I groaned a bit.

And as the lips pulled away I opened my eyes to see a pair of bright green emeralds emblazoned with long black eyelashes looking back at me.

I looked passed the eyes and realized they belonged to the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.

Her skin was of the whitest ivory, with luscious lips painted black as a raven’s wing.

Her hair was shaped into long pitch black spikes that draped down upon slight shoulders.

I felt her hands clenching my hips.

She introduced herself in one word.

“Slitch.”

Her voice came out teasing; cool as an autumn breeze yet sweet as fresh spring flowers.

“Fr…Freak…”

I managed to gasp out breathlessly.

I could feel the smile that swept across her face sweep across mine too.

And then she leans in again, pressing her warm lips to mine once more.

Intoxicating just how good she tasted.

I feel Slitch bite my lower lip.

And I start drowning in ecstasy once more.

.Genderless.Episode.7.

The sun had long since fallen.

Replaced by the glowing moon.

Weaving its starry crescendo across the deep black velvet sky.

I followed Charlie with a steadfast determination fueled by my own curiosity.

Perilous I know, but I couldn’t help but feel this twisted need.

Want? Lust?

Love?

I barely knew this guy, yet I already felt so fucking entangled in his presence that I fear the moment our little outing ends and he disappears again.

“Almost there.” His voice breaks through my thoughts and drags me back to reality.

I blink my eyes.

Half alive trees speckled the world around us, while the dusty dead grass entombed the ground below. We were following a worn dirt road, heavily imprinted with the many footprints of an unknown amount of people.

Up ahead I saw many glowing orange lights, while within my ears I heard the rising volume of many voices.

My curiosity was peaking.

Yet I was starting to freak out.

I found myself staying close behind Charlie; too stubborn to voice my discomfort; yet too frightened to even act brave.

And as we steadily approached a mystery, I could practically feel the emotion permeating in the air like a thick sheet.

Each step closer causing shivers of anticipation to quickly flutter up my spine.

Suddenly, as we both slip through a couple prickly bushes, my eyes were set afire with people, smoke and laughter.

A quick glance at Charlie revealed that slick smirk that I’ve come to expect him to wear.

And then he spoke.

“Welcome to the Shallows, Freak.”

.Genderless.Episode.6.

The weight of my overbearing backpack reminds me of its presence with each tired step. Its straps digging ever deeper into my shoulders.

My mind was a travesty of conscious thought. Exposed I have been to a menagerie of emotions I had no control over. Nor did I have any idea whether or not I even wanted to see the events before me play out.

Simply put, I just wanted to get home and write.

But as fate would have it, life had a different plan in store for my decrepit evening.

It began with striding steps.

That same foreboding feeling.

And a hand that gently lifted my bag from my shoulders.

“Curious how someone as lovely as yourself would be walking home alone on such a beautiful night like this.”

It was Charlie’s voice.

I felt lightheaded, as if the screws had been untightened in my brain and I was on the verge of ctrl, alt, delete.

I glance up at my fiendish company and smirk.

“I would say the same of you.”

Was that witty? Cocky? Am I already making a complete fool of myself?

But most importantly;

Why do I even care?

He chuckled though.

“Heh, I was just minding my own business when I noticed how intoxicating were the rays the setting sun had cast upon the sky, so I had decided to take an evening stroll, coming upon you must have been…”

He smirks.

“Coincidence.”

Despite my best efforts I feel my eyes roll and a laugh escape my lips.

“Just a coincidence eh?” I tease and his eyes shine.

“Either that or the fates have it in mind that we repeatedly cross paths…”

He moves in closer, his hand gently caressing my cheek, as he looks down upon me with a subtle look promising something… sinister?

Perhaps something more erotic?

As quickly as he had done this he had already pulled away. Leaving me straining to catch my breath and remain steady.

A shadow of a smirk slips back across his face.

“Follow me.” He gestures and I tilt my head in perturbed confusion.

He chuckles and gestures more insistently, “I promise hun, good intentions.”

After another tenuous moment I throw caution to the wind and start to follow.

He beams.

I blush.

And all the while, murmuring in the back of my mind;

“Good intentions for who?”

.Genderless.Episode.5.

The cascading barrage of complicated terms and barked orders flow by my ears in a steady stream.

Vague they seep into the background as the forefront of my mind is askew with thoughts of him.

“Charlatan…” I found myself whispering with a curious smirk.

“And what exactly does that mean?” a familiar voice queries with a verbal smile and I slightly turn my head to catch another slight outcast such as myself settle herself in the seat next to me.

“Just someone I met last night.” I reply simply, my thoughts teasing me to get lost within them once more.

She smirks a little, “Strange name… Is he hot?”

I feel my face light up like a flare at her shamelessness. Quickly bowing my head and not saying a word.

I hear her giggle, “I’ll take that as a definite yes.” She teases and I whimper.

“Haha, well I think Jamie will be glad to see you taking an interest in something that’s not all death death death for once.”

I look up from my pained hidey hole and glare, “I’m not interested in him… Just… curious… is all…”

I see her pretty face become even prettier as she starts to laugh, “Freak, even I can see you fancy this guy and I’m a fucking failure at relationships. That in and of itself says something.”

She leans in closer, all of a sudden completely serious.

“I mean it hun, you’ve been trapped in that shell of yours forever, maybe taking a chance is just what you need to finally get a legitimate smile on that face of yours.”

I look away, desperately trying to get the many words that dwell inside my skull to actually materialize out of my damned mouth.

All that I got?

“But… I can’t…”

I felt a groan build up at the back of my throat for just how pitiful that response was.

“Can’t what? Take a chance? Try and make yourself happy for once?”

I looked at her mouth, too afraid to look her in the eye.

“Rowan…” I begin in an attempt to try and start a legitimate response but somehow life had to remind us of its presence in the form of the shrill screaming of bells.

“Well I guess this conversation’s going to have to wait until later then…” Rowan sighs and stands up.

She looks down at me with a small frown.

“Take care of yourself okay?”

A moment’s silence passes and she walks away, immediately consumed by the pulsating crowd of people shuffling towards the next step of their day.

I bow my head, pretending she still stood there.

“It’s not that I can’t take a chance… it’s just…”

I sigh.

“I can’t do anything.”

.Genderless.Episode.4.

The ease in which the rising rays of sun leaked through the thick black curtains and intruded within my room like damned streaks of color upon a pitch black canvas irritated me.

Not only had I forgotten to sleep, but I had also spent the entire night entranced within my notebook when I should have taken that time and put it into the mountainous amount of homework that had been assigned to me.

Now it was too late, and my father was inevitably going to get a glorious phonecall from the school’s staff because of it.

Already was this day beginning to show what it held in store for me.

I slip away my notebook under my pillow and relinquished my inspiration in exchange for the attentiveness to gather my shit together and sneak out of the house before father had a chance to wake up from his alcohol induced coma.

Quick glance passed the shattered mirror I kept in my room revealed unkempt hair. Short in the back, long in the front, each strand as black as a raven’s wing.

My eyes shown darker than usual.

Immediately my attire was selected amongst the many piles that adorned my room.

Scuffed black jeans that fit well enough that they unfortunately revealed how skinny my legs were. A matching dress shirt that easily flowed along the petty curves my body had adopted over the course of the last few years.

Ragged shoes, pulled over plain white socks. The few scattered papers I had gathered thrust into the gaping mouth of my fraying backpack, the zipper casting it shut and silencing its hunger to be filled with anymore senseless crap.

A quick scan of my room plus a nod of self-satisfaction and thus I slowly opened my door and snuck up the hallway, down the stairs into the front entrance, and after a small look into the living room to reveal the giant, slumbering lump of fat that was my father, I slipped out the front door.

“You seem to be quiet talented at avoiding the bastard.” A familiar voice says just within earshot.

I yet again resist the urge to jump out of my pasty skin and simply turn to reveal the smirking form of the boy from last night.

“You again.” I furrow my brow at his presence, slightly put off as to no matter how hard I try to concentrate on him, he always seems to be a little out of focus.

He nods his head, “Indeed. I have to admit we had neither the time nor the opportunity to be properly introduced last eve.”

He motions for me to walk with him, and with just a single breath, I do so.

“The name I tend to go by is Charlatan, or Charlie for short.” He chuckles as we walk and I watch him with curious eyes. “Freak… Just Freak…” I whisper in response and his smirk widens into a small smile. “Beautiful name.”

Butterflies immediately emerge within my stomach at those few words and I feel my face ignite and burn against the cold air.

“Th-Thank you…” The words manage to stumble out of my mouth and I feel his eyes on me.

“You…. Fear me?” He asks and I shake my head violently.

“Not at all… I just don’t… talk… much is all. Heh.” I respond like a bumbling idiot and he laughs a little, “I can see that haha.”

For a moment I just stare at the ground and we walk along in silence. And oddly, with no words permeating within the air, I still felt like we were both communicating.

And it made me smile to myself.

.Genderless.Episode.3.

“Freak.”

“Freak.”

“Fucking Freak.”

The sounds of thundering footsteps.

“And I FUCKING Hate you too!” I scream back and then slam the door to my bedroom as hard as I could. My father’s voice immediately muffled by the thin layer of wood now between us.

I kick my worn shoes off and into the corner, then turn and weave my way through the twisted confines of my room.

A place in which ‘messy’ was a compliment.

I take a deep breath and fall face first onto my bed. Quickly enveloped by a mess of blankets, pillows and random stuffed animals.

I crawl deep under the covers and curl into a ball. Closing my eyes and taking a few more deep breaths before opening them once more to stare blankly into the blackness tickling my nose.

“Freak…” I whisper quietly and shiver.

Strange how I find a warm comfort in that nickname.

“Freak.” I laugh a little. “I really am a little freak…” I roll onto my back, quickly tangled in the blankets I had found solace in mere moments before.

My fist slams into the wall. Sending a jolt of pain spiraling up the nerve endings of my arm and into my shoulder.

It hurt.

So I did it again. And again. And again.

Lastly my father’s shouts from downstairs reach my ears. And I stop. Arm feeling numb. Fingers burning. Maybe bleeding. I didn’t quite know.

I sigh and poke my head out from under the covers, looking hazily around my room for something to keep me from being bored.

I crawl further out from underneath the blankets that covered me and reached for my notebook.

Ah my notebook. The sanctuary for all my thoughts. The one best alternative towards razors and scissors. Needles and knives.

Flip open the cover and smirk a little at the sight of my familiar scrawls. Covering near every inch of blank paper.

Barely even noticing my smirk becoming a smile, I start to write.

And the hours slip into morning.