Monologue of Slaine,

I do admit I want to kill everything.

Not just a few select people who seem to irritate me to a high degree, but the entire human civilization as a whole. I want to rip it all to shreds. I want to see the steaming scarlet flood intoxicate the very world around me, drowning every living pestilent being within it's tame, yet so vile, ambrosia.

I want to make every single decrepit syllable in that fucking name of yours a foul word. I want to rip every ounce of savoury flesh from your festering meatsack of a husk. I want to make the whole world see what it is that you really are. A monster, cruel yet kind. A beast much like me in every single fucking way I can think of.

You were perfect, much too perfect, understandable that no ounce of humanity remained within that walking corpse of yours. But, heh, as I've said before, you are just like me.

A mirror image of innocence and lust. A thousand rising suns could never match the light with which your smile reveals. Every bloody wonder on this goddamned world pales miserably in comparison to the visage you instill upon the forefronts of my minds. Such a sweetened fucking angel sewn together by fate. To meet one such young man and cast stars upon his eyes, tempting him eagerly into your waiting arms, unknowingly falling into a lapse of unconscious sanity.

Perfect.... much too perfect...

I'm left here in the wake of the rapture that stole my heart from me. Leaving me to wander alone this grey world yonder with the tattered wings of hate and nonchalant laughter adorning my curved spine. Every little tiny thing I see I think of you. And the countless million ways I dream of cracking your damned skull upon the jagged stones I wish to scream into your fucking ear.

So much left unsaid... So much left unheard...

Tis now the time I protest honeybee, that I must break to be set free. For within your lap of luxury, I fell too far to even see.

It was by my own dominance, my will to be a martyr, that I broke through your decrepit lies and sought escape in the twisted fabrics of truths. Such rotted, fucking truths. My rage my only ally, your memory my enemy.

Heh, much like you'd fucking care, you're probably curled up within the comfort of a warm and nestled bed, basking in the glow of your ill gotten gains, cooing sweet nothings to a man who'll soon be as I am.

Nothing.

You told me not to become the villain, yet created the weave yourself. And now I'm just playing the part you made for me, because it makes me fucking smirk.

For so long I thought me the hero. For so long I was fucking wrong. But I must admit, with time to think,

Violence is what I am.

Monologue of Art,

People are sick, rotted fucks. The very epitome of shit and lies. Every second you spend in their presence one feels their self worth festering and seething inside squirming intestines and vitals.

You walk upon this ashen earth with a yearning for a mortal savior to drag you out from the darkened void that eats away at your flesh. Stripping long fragments of skin away from the meat, picking away at scabs that attempt to heal the open wounds that drip profusely a thick, crimson river.

And from out of the shadows you see the light approach, her smile as sweet as the crescent moon above, eyes cast a warmth that makes your heart tickle, voice like a violin amidst a deep crescendo. All fear seeps away, and a feeling of happiness soaks into your bones, sweet nothings cradling your ears with promises of eternal pride and a life lived not alone.

You feel yourself repaired evermore with each soft kiss and each intimate fuck. The nightmares of the past locked away in the wake of the passion and love felt today. You love it, you need it, you don't ever want to let it go. Doing anything at any cost to see that angel smile, to feel the heat inside your chest as you know it was you that brought yet another moment of amusement into their life. You're goal ever clearer to make every moment worth living with them.

Months pass by determined as ever, the world ever changing beneath life and it's intentions. Yet you take it on with a clear paste smile, taking everything in stride with a soul that glows with the glory found only in peace. Yet clearly as good moments come, we all know we are monsters, the sick, twisted freaks who find humor and entertainment out of the crucifixion of others.

Your personal morals are tested, a strange underlying sense of dread stabbing at your side like a large, viscous thorn. Embedding a small voice inside of your skull, feeding you truths you see only as lies. The stress begins to build. Paranoia gestating inside your stomach like a stillborn child.

Until you take a chance, tear open the veil so intricately placed over your eyes, blinding you to the facts and revealing the truths you lived so dearly beside as nothing more than rotted effigies of poisoned tongues and starstruck eyes.

Those many months you spent with them held taut in your arms, the sea of varied 'I love yous', the countless kisses, the assorted promises, the menagerie of sweet nothings. All lies. All just fucking lies.

There was never emotion, there was never any solace. It was all an act to protect them from the inevitable. All the while you were building them a future, they were off fucking with another deceiver. The final cut the revelation that you were never their lover, just a toy to be used as they so fit.

And the hilarious bit? You don't even know what to feel. Many pieces of your shattered mind beg for a different take on the situation. Rage. Horror. Depression. Suicide. Murder. Yet you can't focus on anything because you're still struggling to understand what the fuck happened.

Previous transgressions seem almost trivial compared to this sequel. Morals and emotions become lost betwixt the need to have them, the remains of your love, and the truth that you can never have them back. Unlike previous relationships when you're tainted love's end was accentuated with a slam of a front door, at least their was a sense of finality to it.

This though... A mental clusterfuck that leaves you with a love that has no point. And the understanding that it was all your fault. For never being enough for them, for idiotically holding on when it had already died, and not noticing the signs that it was over because you were too blind to accept that you were meant to be.

All you can do is break yourself. Shatter the love you still harbour into a thousand pieces and throw it all away. As the only thing you can do now is move on. Back into the darkness. Back into the nightmares. To never look back on that small taste of perfection, to never remember that you were just never worthy.

And move on mate, move on.

By God.

Her name was little annie
She was no fucking orphan
She had a thing for daggers
And god she loved that morphine

She came into my castle
Begging for some change
I took her by the hand
And god it felt so strange

I led her to my bedroom
Each step a popping cyst
My grip it did so tighten
And god did she resist

She lay upon the pillow
Head held back in sigh
I fucked her bleeding pussy
And god I made her cry

I took towards my kitchen
Her arms drug on the floor
I grasped her tender nape
And god she must be sore

I flung her on the counter
Her head bobbed side to side
I grabbed that butcher's blade
And god that's how she died.

~Heckyl

Dinnertime.

Think of the children
Caught deep in their way
So mindless, so thoughtless
Who frolic and play

How dare they speak nonsense
Spilled out from cleft tongue
To bleed out contusions

In which harmony's sung

They rake and they claw
For momma to please
And rip out plain eyeballs
It's oh but a tease

I'm filling their throats up
With razors and clay
Between gasping breaths
They spit and they spray

They wanted a mother
What they got was a knife
Plunged into their skulls
An abrupt end to the strife

Now daddy's now hungry
He craves to be fed
Oh I'll give him something
I'll feed him the dead

On bones he'll be snapping
And livers and lungs
His children appeasing
Betwixt spittle and dung

Now mommy's the monster
Within nightmares I dwell
But to the outside world
By god, I'll never tell...

.Genderless.Episode.28.

A silent clearing.

A sleeping world behind me.

Construction signs before me.

I sat there.

A stream of steady smoke trailing from a lit cigarette hanging loosely between my lips.

Counting the stars above me.

Hugging my lone backpack to my chest; I quell the flood of thoughts racing through my head.

Slitch.

The Shallows.

My father.

Charlie.

Where I was going to go.

How I was going to get there.

It was terrifying.

So I just kept counting the stars.

I felt someone sit next to me.

“Don’t lose count now hun.”

Too late.

“Doesn’t matter. I got forever to count them.”

An arm wraps around me.

“So have I.”

I lean into him.

“You really are quite the guy Charlatan.”

He chuckles quietly.

“I take pride in making a good impression.”

A moment passes.

“You mourning the loss of your only home as well?” He asks, staring straight ahead.

I nod.

“I’m lost now.”

He rests his head on mine.

“I am too.”

A few minutes become a few hours.

We stayed like that.

Huddled together until the sun started peeking up, casting its blinding tendrils of light across the brightening sky above us.

Charlie lastly stands up and stretches.

“Going for a walk?” I ask.

He chuckles.

“Something like that.”

I bow my head.

“Hey.” He says and I look back up and see him holding a hand out to me.

I felt a smile slip across my face.

“I’d love it if you’d accompany me.”

And I saw the smile I’d never thought I’d see.

And then thoughts of everything ran through my mind.

Of Slitch.

Of The Shallows.

Of my father.

Of Charlie.

Of where I was going to go.

And of how I was going to get there.

I admit I was terrified.

But I knew.

I wasn’t alone.

.Genderless.Episode.27.

A tap upon a curtained window.

Followed by movement.

Standing outside the window of Slitch’s  mobile home.

I smiled a little when she opened the window.

“Freak?” She asked in surprise and I nodded.

“The one and only.”

A witty response.

A frown was my reward.

“What are you doing here?”

I sighed a little.

“I’m taking a chance.”

She cocks her head in confusion. Fuck I loved it when she did that.

“What chance?”

I lean in and kiss her.

“I’m getting away. From here. From everything.”

I said that with a little more enthusiasm than I’d meant to.

Her frown only deepened.

“Why?”

She was scared.

Hurt?

I take a breath.

“Everything I’ve fought for has fallen apart. My home is gone. And the home I had to return to almost killed me. I want it all to stop. I want to be free again.”

I look at my feet.

“And I kinda wanted to escape here… with you…”

A blunt explanation.

A moment passed to let my words hang in the air in silence.

Then she started to quietly cry.

I try to kiss her shoulder but she pushes me away.

“Why can’t you just stay here?”

I close my eyes.

Looking at the situation for what it was.

“I can’t.” I finally reply.

She looks at me with tearstained eyes.

“You’re only fifteen… neither of us would last long out there.”

I stroke her cheek.

“They’re better chances than what I’m faced with here.”

She kisses my hand.

“I can’t.”

My heart cracks.

She sighs, “I have a place here. And you do too! You just have to find it.”

I bow my head.

“The thing is, I don’t want to find my place here anymore.”

She looks away.

“Then you’re going to have to find your place without me.”

My heart stops.

And the world around me begins to fade away.

“I can’t make you.”

Those words flow quietly from my lips.

“And I can’t make you stay.”

I stare at her, a tear slipping down my cheek.

“I’m going to miss you.”

She nods.

Silent.

“I…” I stop.

“I love you too.”

Those words…

I watch her bow her head once more, then close her window.

And I stand there for a good long while.

Before turning and walking away.

Leaving a trail of my shattered heart behind me.

.Genderless.Episode.26.

Staples of pain sewed shut the mental scars I’ve been struggling to keep sealed for so long.

Yet a sea of tears and blood had rusted the metal and aptly allowed the pain to spill out once more.

A traumatic recession into the memories that I’ve long since trapped away in the cobwebbed corners of my long haunted mind.

I hid for days within the constricted confines of my decrepit bedroom.

My notebook overflowing with the rants and musings of an over emotional mind.

Never had I hurt like this before.

Never did I ever see this pain going away.

I think I’m broken.

It was times like this that I ran away to the Shallows.

Charlatan had showed me a way out.

Of the pain.

The memories.

The suicidal tendencies.

Now the door’s been slammed shut in my face.

Leaving me to flail around in the darkness, looking for something.

Anything.

That could grant me the same amount of happiness that he had shown me.

I sit up.

Wipe my tears.

Maybe.

Maybe I shouldn’t wait.

Maybe I shouldn’t just lay here begging for a miracle to come take me away.

Maybe I should make it happen myself.

Within moments I’m prepared.

A bag filled with just essentials.

Plus, my notebook.

Maybe I shouldn’t be waiting for a path to open up for me.

Maybe I just have to take a chance.

And open one up for myself.

.Genderles.Episode.25.

Trudging home in the early hours of the morning.

My legs hurt.

As did my heart.

I stopped at the foot of my porch.

Every light in the house was on.

The front window was but a curtain of shattered glass.

My father sat at the foot of the stairs.

Staring directly at me through the entrance where the front door stood agape.

I could feel outside drop in temperature.

While his stare melted two holes right through me.

I take a breath and step inside.

He took this time to stand.

“Have fun?” His words seethed through gritted teeth.

I lowered my head.

“I just went for a walk.”

I felt like drowning within his shadow.

“And sneaking out was your way of saying goodbye?”

His face split open with each spat word.

I struggled not to look him in the eyes with my tear stained face.

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

My reasons were falling into disrepair, making them as frail and irrelevant as excuses.

“Close the door.” He orders in a deadly whisper.

I twitch.

“Please don’t…”

He clenches his fists.

“Close. The fucking. Door.”

The tears I was trying to hold back began to slip through.

“Please…”

His eyes just stare at me.

“Don’t make me tell you again Freak.”

I twinge at his mention of my name.

But does as he says.

And closes the door behind me.

.Genderless.Episode.24.

“And it’s my solemn duty to announce the closer of the Shallows.”

A riotous protest.

Charlie stood at the forefront of the crowd.

“One person can’t just close this place!”

The handful of businessmen that stood before us sneered. A small group of police officers bolstering their ranks and casting an imposing shadow over the rest of us.

A short round businessman stood before the rest, a briefcase overflowing with countless blueprints and files practically spilling from its seams.

“To make way for the development of the promising Fair Green Mall, this unsanctioned playground; as well as many other areas, have been put up for the destruction, and construction, of this new establishment.”

More riotous jeers and protest.

The small man clears his throat and his police guard menacingly step forward.

Silence.

“These plans have been on display at the city capital for over a year now. You all should have begun your protest months ago.”

Charlie growls.

“This is bullshit.”

A bark of laughter sprouts from the uneasy audience.

“Total bullshit!” Heckyl shouts.

The man smirks.

“Well you can go bring up your concerns with the governor. Meanwhile,”

He turns to the league of construction works waiting just out of sight.

“Tear it down!”

Within the next twenty minutes, we all watch in horror as The Shallows is torn into by swarms of men armed with tractors, chainsaws, and fencing.

Hope for saving our sacred place was crushed within the maw of progress.

And as the confrontational masses slowly dispersed, I quickly caught up to Charlie.

“Charlie! Wait up!” I shout and he looks at me.

“Go home Freak.”

I ignore the hostility in his tone.

“We can’t give up. We’ll find a new place. A better place.”

His face twists.

“There IS no better place Freak. This was as good as it was ever going to get. I built this place from the ground up! It may not have been the best place but it was home.”

He turns away.

“Just go home. Shows over. Cue the curtain.”

I watched him wander away.

Hopeless.

Homeless.

“Fuck you pigs!” Heckyl screams and chucks a rock at a passing police officer, squealing in a twisted glee as it makes impact with the man’s head in a spatter of crimson.

Immediately a slew of cops began after him as a few others tended to the downed officer.

“Get down on the ground right now!” an officer screams and Heckyl just jeers.

“Fuck you!”

And chucks another rock.

A gunshot sounds.

Heckyl drops.

The last few people scatter in fear.

I just stand there.

Watching silently as the shouts became screams.

“He’s dead!”

“Dead!” 

“Dead!”

.Genderless.Episode.23.

“One month.”

Slitch’s face had never looked so peaceful.

I wondered if I looked the same.

“The first of many.”

Clever response?

A kiss was my reward.

I returned it while we hid beneath the covers.

A thin veil that protected us from the promised cold that awaited outside.

Slitch slid closer.

“Definitely.”

I closed her sentence with a smile.

She blushed.

I watch her a moment.

Then kiss her neck.

She gasps in surprise.

I start to pull away.

“Don’t.”

She looks at me with strange eyes.

Then moves atop me.

I lay back as she does.

My eyes trailing along her curves.

“Slitch…” I start as she then removes her shirt, revealing her luminescent chest, punctuated with two perfectly sculpted breasts.

I felt the butterflies in my stomach begin to swirl.

Gently her hands gripped the edge of my shirt and I felt mine soon follow hers to the floor.

 Her breath moved down my body, leaving a warm trail that left me tingly.

Two pairs of jeans added to the growing pile of discarded clothes.

Our hands slid along skin.

Seamless.

Little did I know nor care whether my hands were scratching down her hips or caressing my own breasts.

I felt her lips on mine.

My fingers gripping her hips.

Hers moving up my belly.

A nipped ear.

A pinched nipple.

The heat we were generating slowly caused the beckoning frost to melt away.

The covering blanket a drifting afterthought.

Pleasured moans and whispers drifted through the air.

The building anticipation setting fire to the world around us.

All I felt was her.

And that’s what I was determined to explore.

Slitch leaned in and bit into my neck.

Earning a soft scream on my part.

And with then I felt her fingers slither down my chest.

My belly.

And beneath my slipping underwear.

Within mere moments I felt them slip in.

And my butterflies burst into flame.

.Genderless.Episode.22.

Everything is over.

Everything I was.

Making me able to do things I never thought I could do before.

And it feels amazing.

This…

This freedom.

Speaks louder than anything I’ve ever said before.

My heartbeats taken on this rhythm.

That beats to the sound of my footsteps.

I’ve never felt this before.

Yet seething in the background.

The what ifs.

The if I hads.

I slam and lock them behind an old oak door.

Leaving me breathless.

Leaving me alone.

Alone with her.

And I’ve taken on a meaning.

To never be lost again.

Millions of people would stand in protest.

I think that I’d stand too.

To denounce what I have as little more than a temporary pill to help satiate the longing to be one half to a whole.

I will stand and admit I know this can change in one shattered heartbeat.

But damned if I’m not going to make it worth something before it does.

The youthful heart’s will to break away.

I was scared to watch me change.

Now…

I fucking revel.

.Genderless.Episode.21.

“Afterglow.”

I raise an eyebrow.

“Seriously?” I reply.

Rowan nods.

“Comparing how highly you spoke of him a few weeks ago to how poorly you speak of him now, it’s pretty obvious that you really got caught up in his penchant for being intelligent and mysterious, but upon waiting for him to actually open up you drowned in those properties and now see them as they are, a superiority complex and disinterest.”

I sigh.

“That is quite the observation.”

She smirks.

“I’ve been in your shoes on more than one occasion. Hence the label ‘Failure’ when it comes down to relationships.”

She stops a moment and takes a bite of her lunch.

“Besides, aren’t you seeing that Slitch chick on a more serious level now?”

Meanwhile picking at my own lunch; I nod.

“Then why are you still hung up on Charlatan?”

I viciously stab at my sandwich with a spork.

“I’m not.”

She stops and stares at me.

“Something tells me you are.”

I give up on my mutilated food and push it away.

“I’m not. Really. I’m just still a little curious.”

Rowan lets out a small sigh.

“Truthfully, I’m thinking you should concentrate on Slitch right now. Charlatan had his chance, but you chose her. And bad things are only going to happen if you continue to pursue something with him while contrastingly having already given your promise to someone else.”

I found myself nodding.

“You really speak truth my friend.”

She laughs, albeit a bit dryly.

“Well thank you, but everything I say only has as much weight as you allow it to have.”

I didn’t respond to that.

And in the silence she stretches.

“And off topic; why aren’t you talking about this with Jamie? She’s your best friend. I’m just the creep who pesters you during lunch.”

Jamie…

“She hasn’t really talked to me much since I started hanging out at the Shallows. She sort of stopped completely once I got with Slitch…”

Rowan nods a little, but says nothing.

.Genderless.Episode.20.

“Charlie.”

Why does that feel so strange leaving my mouth?

“Yes?”

I feel like we share a connection.

Yet as of late I feel as though it was less romantic and more sinister.

What I thought a necklace was nothing more than a noose.

“Where have you been?”

Even that kiss we shared made me felt used.

“Around.”

And every second since then has only strengthened that feeling.

Was I an interest to him?

Or was I just a voice to help bolster his precious Shallows?

“Care to elaborate?”

Was I just a gullible mind who succumbed to the false pretenses embellished upon the surface of a simple recruitment drive?

“Not really.”

I shuffle closer to Slitch; who responds with a warming kiss on the shoulder.

Now I guess since I’ve fallen for his ploy he’s returned atop his high horse and placed me down amongst the masses he’s labeled unworthy.

“Okay then.”

Standing up once more he nodded his head.

“I’m going for a walk.”

And upon turning to leave I’m left wondering;

Just who did he think he was?

.Genderless.Episode.19.

Who is it that I’ve so easily evolved in to?

I stare for hours into the mirror hanging loosely from my bedroom door.

Yet I cannot spy any difference.

Not one.

Does that beg the question that the changes have only taken an internal toll?

I’m pasting each memory to the forefront of my mind.

Examining each one to find the exact moment it leeched inside me and caused such a drastic transformation.

But all I find are more and more examples of each change of mind.

I sprawl myself out in bed.

And betwixt a plethora of pillows and sheets I stumble across an ultimatum.

That maybe all this looking is forlorn from a proper examination.

Maybe.

It’s not the recent events that were the catalyst of all my change.

But a dose of adrenaline that had simply sped up the process.

Was I always changing?

Is there no rut that I could fall into?

Just a mental comfort of the current pace that fools me into thinking nothing is moving when in fact everything is still making its mark upon me.

And I’m just too blind to notice?

A tap at the window.

A mumbled “Come in.”

Eyes too tired to even open; I am only left to hear the creak of the opening window, the light footsteps that sneak across the floor, and the familiar scent that drifted passed my nose as her warm body slipped into my bed.

“Tired?” She asks quietly and I shake my head.

“Just deep in thought.” I respond before opening my eyes and seeing her beautiful face.

She was dressed quite peculiarly.

Attractive.

She looks at me a moment.

“Want to be?”

.Genderless.Episode.18.

I caught up just outside the bushes the led back out to our lives.

“Slitch!” my voice rang out more desperately than I’d meant it to.

I see her stop and I take that moment to finally fill in the gap between us.

“What do you want?” She asks quietly; slivers of ice edging her words.

I shove aside all of the screaming thoughts begging for me to retreat.

Going against what I’ve always been known for; hiding, whispering, turning away…

I turned her around, swept the hair from her face, and kissed her.

I half expected her to push me away.

She didn’t.

Instead I felt her hands wrap around me and pull me further into our kiss.

Draping my arms around her, I held her close, trying my best to make the kiss last forever.

I felt her pull away.

“I was jealous.”

Pressing my forehead to hers, I replied “You don’t need to be.”

My eyes locked onto hers.

“I care for you more than I ever could for him.”

Those words.

They escaped my lips so easily.

I believed them so thoroughly.

I saw a tear slip down her face and I kiss it away before it could go any further.

“Be mine?”

The tears that I held in bondage finally began to seep through.

“I was going to ask you that.” I laugh slightly and lastly I see her smile.

.Genderless.Episode.17.

After what felt like a tormenting eternity he ripped his lips away.

I sat there.

Shocked.

Heckyl was gloating. Waving a worn fifty in Charlie’s face.

Quickly snatched, Charlie then stood to his feet.

“I’m going for a walk.”

And with that he turned and strode off without another word.

Slitch was watching me oddly.

The others had circled Heckyl; the obvious victor in the mental battle that had taken place mere moments before.

I knew he was the victor.

Because I felt like I had lost.

“Jealous.” Slitch muttered and I looked at her.

She looked sad as she herself then stood up and left.

I was alone.

Instantly I began to feel the clawing tendrils of my shell quickly start begging for me to recede.

And for a moment I believe I started to.

But I stopped.

I thought of Charlie.

Then of Slitch.

Both I admit I have feelings for.

Yet.

I close my eyes.

A tidal wave of thoughts, memories and emotions spilled across my mind and quickly washed away all but one fact.

I opened my eyes.

Stood up.

And ran.

.Genderless.Episode.16.

I’ve taken on new purpose within the blessed Shallows.

I stride passed the bushes and into the clearing.

Never does it seem to not be teeming with small pockets of people.

Idly chatting, strumming guitars, or smoking various substances.

My eyes scan the groups until they stumble across Charlie and Slitch; smoking thin white cigarettes while in the company of a few others.

Quickly my feet have me taken in a beeline straight to them.

Charlie’s trademark smirk opens up his otherwise emotionless face as I approached.

Slitch shifted herself aside to make room for me.

I aptly took my seat between them.

“Someone seems to be in good graces this evening.” Charlie points out and I reply with a smirk of my own.

“Seems like it eh?” I laugh.

Slitch leans into me.

“I’m glad.” She says as I rest my head on hers.

I feel a smile try to tug at the edges of my mouth.

I push it back.

“So what were you up to before I rudely interrupted?” I tease and Charlie simply yawns.

“Nothing relatively in particular hun, it was actually a lot quieter before you arrived.”

A guy sitting opposite him let out a bark of laughter.

“Bullshit, you as well as everyone else here knows that I was betting you fifty bucks to make out with the new blood.”

Charlie casts a strange look back at the guy.

“And I gave you my response Heckyl.”

Curious, I interrupt.

“And who’s this new blood?”

Stupid question.

Hopeful answer.

Charlie glances at me.

“Please hun, I have not known you for lack of intelligence. I beg of you not to give me a reason to now.”

Now that was the equivalent of a slap in the face.

And so I grow quiet.

Slitch nuzzles my shoulder a little.

“Well you’re well known for being quiet the charmer Charlatan.” Heckyl antagonizes.

“And you’ve been known to cause quite a bit of strife amongst the people here.” Charlie responds.

Another bark of laughter.

“What can I say mate, I’m a heckler. I enjoy a tad bit of strife.”

Even I felt the razors laced within those words…

Charlie then leans in; the fire lighting his face up in a startling fashion.

“You enjoy strife?”

Heckyl takes this moment to lean in as well.

“I get off on it.”

For a long moment the two held a stare that could be felt by everyone in the circle. The fire casting shadows that danced upon their faces, making them both inherit almost demonic masks.

“So be it.” Charlie finally shatters the silence and turns to me.

And before I could even gasp I felt his hand caress my cheek and pull me into his lips.

My eyelids fluttered.

His eyes remained open and terrifying.

My heart skipped a beat.

But not because of the cliché.

But because I felt like he had just kicked it.

.Genderless.Episode.15.

This is insane.

Plain and simple.

Caught between the emotional throes of happiness and anger.

I felt like a hurricane.

Deep within the confines of this poor excuse of a body, my nerves tingled with the strangest anticipation.

Blood seething with a rage that begged to be unleashed.

Gritting my teeth, I begin to breathe.

Inhalation.

Exhalation.

Something precious inside me threatens to snap.

To rip me in half and leave me dying in the chaos that will ensue.

I pull myself up in bed.

The barest slivers of sound penetrating my eardrums and alerting me to the movements of my monstrous father dwelling somewhere beneath.

Slipping out of my bed.

The screen of my open laptop casting an eerie light through the darkness that enveloped my room.

I arrive at my dresser.

Slip into clean underwear, a dress shirt, fitting jeans.

All of the same worn black variety.

Quick ruffle of the hair and I was slipping through my open window onto the garage roof.

A few steps and I reach the lowest corner of the roof, grabbing the gutter and lowering myself as far as I could before letting go and falling the last couple feet.

Landing heavily, I quickly rush to the end of the backyard, reaching the chainlink fence and slipping up and over.

Now in the rocky alleyway I peer both ways before walking into the darkness.

From out of my own Hell;

And in to The Shallows.

.Genderless.Episode.14.

Rowan’s eyes were as wide.

“We should have a fucking threesome.”

I glare at her.

“And what would that accomplish?”

She laughs, “Nothing at all, except a night of epic lovemaking.”

I sigh.

“I’m just trying to lighten the mood Freak, damn.”

I roll my eyes, “With a threesome.”

She smiles.

“Of course! Besides, the way you describe this Slitch girl makes it sound like you’d thoroughly enjoy it.”

I blush.

“See?” She teases and I groan.

“The only thing you’re accomplishing is making this conversation really uncomfortable.”

Now it was her turn to sigh.

“Well sorry if my attempts at being a good friend are getting lost in translation. Personally I wouldn’t mind having you between my thighs while this Slitch girl was between yours vigorously licking your-”

I cover her mouth with my hand, imagination running wild.

“Please stop!” I groan; my face burning.

Suddenly I’m pulling my hand away.

“Rowan! You bit me!” I found myself laughing.

“Success!” She shouts and I playfully push her.

“You’re fucking crazy!” I reply and realize I’m smiling.

Rowan smiles in kind.

“Finally. I thought I’d never get to see you smile. It’s kind of hot.” She points out with a smirk and I couldn’t help but let this smile stay.

I liked it.

.Genderless.Episode.13.

“You attend church?” Charlie asks and I laugh.

“Do you?”

He chuckles, “Touché.”  

I turn back to watching the stars for a moment.

“You ever tried counting them? The stars?”

Charlie laughs, “I’ve tried a couple times, but I always seem to lose count. Either that or the sun comes up before I’m done.”

Already losing count myself, I slip out a cigarette.

“Bad habit.” He teases and I stick my tongue out at him playfully before putting it to my mouth.

“Like I can argue, I supply the lighter.” He continues with a smirk and lights my cigarette for me.

I inhale and hold the smoke hostage for a moment, my thoughts slowing and granting me some peace.

Exhale.

“I wish I could just count the stars forever. Never have to go home.”

He looks at me.

“Sometimes I wish the same.”

We look at each other for a moment.

My lips quiver.

He stands up and stretches.

“I’m going to go for a walk.” He says and I start to get up.

“Alone if possible.”

I stop and look up at him.

“Oh… okay…”

Sitting back down as he strides off, I’m left to my own whispering thoughts.

Did I miss my chance?

Was it even a chance?

Fuck.

I found myself simply staring at the cherry eating away at the tip of my cigarette. Lost in both thought and emotion.

My stomach hurt.

I flick away my cigarette, hearing a thoughtful sizzle as it hit the dewy grass.

Leaning back I sigh.

And start counting.

.Genderless.Episode.12.

My eyes open.

Curled in a tight ball half hidden in my massacre of a bed.

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I sit up and almost choke.

Slitch was at my window.

Watching me.

I almost didn’t see her in the darkness but her eyes…

They seemed to glow.

“You passed out.”

I could see the concern in her eyes.

“Bad day is all…” I reply shyly.

The events of last night replayed in the back of my head.

Made me nervous of myself.

Cause I was kind of turned on.

She repositions herself in the window.

“I heard.” She replied somewhat quietly.

Was she thinking of last night as well?

Or was she treading lightly on what she thought was a sore topic?

All I knew was that the only thing sore was my stomach.

“Cunt.” She growled.

I look up.

“Your father.” She clarified and I laugh dryly.

“Yeah… not exactly father of the year unfortunately.”

I look back down.

“Did he hurt you?”

Her words hung in the air a long moment before I could even register a response.

“No.”

A second passes then she slips through the window and onto my bed. I only watch as she quietly lifts up my shirt; revealing the dark black bruise forming just above my belly button.

She just looks at me.

.Genderless.Episode.11.

I was falling.

Down.

Down.

Down.

A flurry of enigmatic images passed by as I fell.

Some held meaning.

Others held nothing.

I was screaming.

I wanted to stop falling.

I wanted so badly just to hit the ground and stop seeing.

So I did.

I stopped falling.

And instead stood upon the tallest building.

My bare feet teetering on the edge between solidity and weightlessness.

Turning away from the ledge, I see my father sneering at me.

I could practically smell the liquor that heavily blanketed his breath.

He pushed me back.

I flailed my arms uselessly.

Before falling.

Down.

Down.

Down.

I wanted to stop.

So badly to stop falling.

And so I did.

Standing once more upon the tallest building.

My bare feet standing on the bare thread of my own unreality.

I turn away from the ledge.

And find my father smiling at me.

I could almost feel the thick smoke from his countless cigarettes grabbing at me.

He pushed me back.

I lashed out uselessly.

Before falling.

Down.

Down.

Down.

I begged for it to stop.

For something to catch me.

I wanted to stop falling.

So I did.

Standing upon the tallest building.

The crossroads of my inner mind.

I turn to see my father.

Laughing at me.

And I just close my eyes.

.Genderless.Episode.10.

Standing on the front porch of my home.

My brain a kaleidoscope of insults, lies and promises.

I take a long breath.

Hopefully my last?

And then I open my front door.

Immediately I heard shuffling come from the other room.

Stepping inside, I brace myself as the front door clicks shut behind me.

And then I catch my father’s damning figure come thundering out of its den.

“And Where The Fuck Were You!?” His roar rips across the room and slaps me in the face.

I just stare back at him.

“I was studying with friends and didn’t realize the time had gotten so late, so I decided to stay over.”

A believable lie.

If it wasn’t Saturday.

“Bullshit!” the words spilled from his mouth amidst a flood of venom.

A quick stride across the room and I felt the back of his hand ignite my face with fire.

I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that.

And I staggered.

Which then gave him the quickly taken chance to slam me against the wall.

The air vacates my lungs and I fall to my knees struggling to inhale.

I could feel my father’s eyes boring down upon me.

“Freak.”

That name rang triumphantly from out his ragged fuck hole of a mouth.

“Fuck.” I spit back and receive a foot in my stomach.

Tears stream down my face.

“I fuckin HATE you!”

I feel his fist grip the scruff of my shirt and he roughly lifts me back to my feet.

“Freak!” He screams and throws me to the foot of the stairs.

And trying not to let him see my face I take my chance and scramble up the stairs and into my room.

“FREAK!”

“FREAK!”

“FUCKIN FREAK!”

.Genderless.Episode.9.

“I thought Charlatan was a guy?” Jamie said with a furrowed brow.

Following a passing cloud with drifting eyes, I reply “He is.”

Simple response.

I should have elaborated more.

“Then why were you making out with this girl? Aren’t you head over heels for him?”

I could almost hear the gears inside her head struggling to make sense of the situation it’s been faced with.

“I don’t really know what happened… Last night was kind of a blur.”

Truth.

My friend seemed to only get more agitated.

“Did you… you know… go any further?”

She’s pressing for something.

Shut my eyes.

Revel in the glimpsing memories of lips teasing my thighs. Teeth leaving marks in interesting places.

My response was lifting my shirt slightly and revealing the bruises taking up residence upon my hips.

Jamie’s eyes widened.

“Those… aren’t from your father are they?”

I couldn’t help but let the smirk slip across my face.

That was the only answer she needed.

And we both fell into silence for a long moment.

“I know Rowan has you thinking that this is something you should do, and I think you should too. Just… Be careful.”

I lean myself against her, gently resting my head on her shoulder.

“I’ll try.”

.Genderless.Episode.8.

My eyes were lightly held closed by my own will.

Smoke assailed my lungs.

Caressing the thin fleshy walls that ensnared it within.

“Breathe.”

Charlie’s whispered words drifted in my ear…

I exhaled… slowly; letting the smoke come streaming out through my lips.

But before all the smoke could clear my lungs, I felt lips press gently to mine.

And I embraced the kiss, letting myself fall into it. Feeling our tongues entwine as smoke mingled with sweet saliva.

I groaned a bit.

And as the lips pulled away I opened my eyes to see a pair of bright green emeralds emblazoned with long black eyelashes looking back at me.

I looked passed the eyes and realized they belonged to the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.

Her skin was of the whitest ivory, with luscious lips painted black as a raven’s wing.

Her hair was shaped into long pitch black spikes that draped down upon slight shoulders.

I felt her hands clenching my hips.

She introduced herself in one word.

“Slitch.”

Her voice came out teasing; cool as an autumn breeze yet sweet as fresh spring flowers.

“Fr…Freak…”

I managed to gasp out breathlessly.

I could feel the smile that swept across her face sweep across mine too.

And then she leans in again, pressing her warm lips to mine once more.

Intoxicating just how good she tasted.

I feel Slitch bite my lower lip.

And I start drowning in ecstasy once more.

.Genderless.Episode.7.

The sun had long since fallen.

Replaced by the glowing moon.

Weaving its starry crescendo across the deep black velvet sky.

I followed Charlie with a steadfast determination fueled by my own curiosity.

Perilous I know, but I couldn’t help but feel this twisted need.

Want? Lust?

Love?

I barely knew this guy, yet I already felt so fucking entangled in his presence that I fear the moment our little outing ends and he disappears again.

“Almost there.” His voice breaks through my thoughts and drags me back to reality.

I blink my eyes.

Half alive trees speckled the world around us, while the dusty dead grass entombed the ground below. We were following a worn dirt road, heavily imprinted with the many footprints of an unknown amount of people.

Up ahead I saw many glowing orange lights, while within my ears I heard the rising volume of many voices.

My curiosity was peaking.

Yet I was starting to freak out.

I found myself staying close behind Charlie; too stubborn to voice my discomfort; yet too frightened to even act brave.

And as we steadily approached a mystery, I could practically feel the emotion permeating in the air like a thick sheet.

Each step closer causing shivers of anticipation to quickly flutter up my spine.

Suddenly, as we both slip through a couple prickly bushes, my eyes were set afire with people, smoke and laughter.

A quick glance at Charlie revealed that slick smirk that I’ve come to expect him to wear.

And then he spoke.

“Welcome to the Shallows, Freak.”

.Genderless.Episode.6.

The weight of my overbearing backpack reminds me of its presence with each tired step. Its straps digging ever deeper into my shoulders.

My mind was a travesty of conscious thought. Exposed I have been to a menagerie of emotions I had no control over. Nor did I have any idea whether or not I even wanted to see the events before me play out.

Simply put, I just wanted to get home and write.

But as fate would have it, life had a different plan in store for my decrepit evening.

It began with striding steps.

That same foreboding feeling.

And a hand that gently lifted my bag from my shoulders.

“Curious how someone as lovely as yourself would be walking home alone on such a beautiful night like this.”

It was Charlie’s voice.

I felt lightheaded, as if the screws had been untightened in my brain and I was on the verge of ctrl, alt, delete.

I glance up at my fiendish company and smirk.

“I would say the same of you.”

Was that witty? Cocky? Am I already making a complete fool of myself?

But most importantly;

Why do I even care?

He chuckled though.

“Heh, I was just minding my own business when I noticed how intoxicating were the rays the setting sun had cast upon the sky, so I had decided to take an evening stroll, coming upon you must have been…”

He smirks.

“Coincidence.”

Despite my best efforts I feel my eyes roll and a laugh escape my lips.

“Just a coincidence eh?” I tease and his eyes shine.

“Either that or the fates have it in mind that we repeatedly cross paths…”

He moves in closer, his hand gently caressing my cheek, as he looks down upon me with a subtle look promising something… sinister?

Perhaps something more erotic?

As quickly as he had done this he had already pulled away. Leaving me straining to catch my breath and remain steady.

A shadow of a smirk slips back across his face.

“Follow me.” He gestures and I tilt my head in perturbed confusion.

He chuckles and gestures more insistently, “I promise hun, good intentions.”

After another tenuous moment I throw caution to the wind and start to follow.

He beams.

I blush.

And all the while, murmuring in the back of my mind;

“Good intentions for who?”